How Well Do You Know Yourself?
Jim Davis, EdM, MA
Having frustrating times at work? Not getting the results you want? Is there a behavior you would like to change?
Change if you want to. But first, know yourself. Self-awareness precedes all sustainable behavior change.
After all, who are you changing for? Does the behavior you are trying to shift come from an external expectation you are not actually aligned with? And what parts of your history influence your current self?
History has a massive impact on current behaviors. Those behaviors often appear without conscious processing, as emergent properties of skills and strategies we have developed relative to our life experiences. Bringing awareness to the components of our history that impact us in the present is an essential part of self-awareness. It requires being present in the moment, and knowing that the way we show up in the moment is influenced by our past.
Sometimes we have to go back before we can go forward.
This requires one to slow down. Many driven professionals and high achievers across realms find it difficult, at least at first. But one has to allocate time, work to understand, process the past and become aware of how it impacts their present… only then can one hope for sustainable behavior change.
After going back, in order to arrive more fully in the present, one must remember that while they are informed by their past experiences, they are not stuck there. Moving into the future in a way that represents a true, full, and effective version of oneself requires recognition that previous versions of ‘self’ are not the same as the current one.
So keep trying to know yourself. Self-awareness requires continuous self-appraisal in modern moments. It can be hard - hard to be present, hard to be mindful and thoughtful and account for all the ways you have changed and evolved over time. Hard. But necessary.
Does This Sound Familiar?
“Michael” grew up in a chaotic home. When his dad would come home from work, tired and angry, Michael learned that, since he did not have much luck predicting the sort of mood his father would be in, and since he could not possibly stand up to the physical anger of the much larger adult, his best bet was to keep everyone calm. He would retreat into himself. He would placate, stay quiet, and make the occasional joke to lighten the mood. When we met he referred to himself as a people pleaser who did not always stand up for himself. Because of this, boundaries were routinely crossed in his personal and professional life. He was getting by, but he was not happy.
Michael had to go back to his past to recognize the pattern. He then had to remind himself that he is no longer in that moment – he is no longer a defenseless child in an unpredictable environment, he is an adult who had built a great deal of talent and agency. Reminding himself of this before a big meeting, or when his professional setting seemed as chaotic as that previous home-life, has been a breath of fresh air.
He now knows that his humor in those moments is a choice, not a default setting. And he picks his battles, instead of retreating to silence as a default defense setting.
“Brittany” has all the symptoms associated with ADHD. She could not sit still and was often reprimanded both at home and in school. She refers to herself as a square peg in a sea of round holes. All of those reprimands, all of those people chipping away at her ‘square’ edges, made her highly sensitive to critique. She thought perhaps she had Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. She does not. But she is sensitive to feedback, as those routine critiques have left a mark.
Brittany’s road to healthy communication and greater success at work began with a return to that quirky, energetic younger self. She had to make peace with her ADHD diagnosis (which did not come until her 40s, a sadly typical occurrence). She was then able to use strategies to navigate attention differences and successfully manage complicated work projects. She was also able to come to the realization that not all systems were built with her in mind.
She forgave herself for not operating the way many of her peers did. She was then able to pause when her inner critic kicked in. She began a process of self-acceptance that has improved many areas of her life.
Self-awareness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. One cannot fully accept themself before they bring awareness to their whole, complex self. And one cannot be fully aware until they lean to accept the parts of themself they learned to gloss over or ignore. Get in tune with all of it.
Don’t Get Stuck!
Marshall Goldsmith (author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There), notes that “for some reason, many people enjoy living in the past, especially if going back there lets them blame someone [or something] else for anything that’s gone wrong in their lives”.
Blame is a tough word. To be fair to people on the whole, the quote is not totally accurate - most people do not enjoy living in the past and blaming others; rather, it is a coping strategy they have become used to.
But the theme he mentions pops up all the time. Once people bring awareness to their past, they run the risk of excusing behaviors – that is not the point of this approach. The point of going back is to understand, heal, and move forward. But he is certainly right that some people get caught there.
They might need a coach, a third party, to help them fully realize this. I have worked with a number of people who have committed to the process and seen massive benefits.
“First, know yourself. Self-awareness precedes all sustainable behavior change.”
Getting stuck is real. It happens in large and small ways, internally and externally. If Bob from accounting was rude to one day, that does not necessarily mean that “Bob is rude”. Bob was rude. But Bob comes with the same unique and complex version of ‘self’ that we all do.
Why do we pigeonhole Bob? Why do we point fingers? Why do we entrench ourselves in accomplishments of the past to ‘prove’ our current worth?
It’s a note I have to give driven professionals all the time… in one-on-one development work, the overarching objective is awareness. Self-awareness, situational awareness, relational awareness – all leading to selective, intentional decision-making.
The work is not always easy, but is necessary. And it will always be worth it.
REACH OUT any time.