No Trash Talk: Effective Communication to Alleviate Workplace Frustration
What do you do when you feel pain? Generally, it’s a two-step process: identify and resolve. Identify what was causing the pain, and resolve the source of the pain.
In some cases, it is straightforward – if you touch a hot pan, or step on a tack, you will immediately recoil. The nervous system takes over and the distancing happens reflexively.
Navigating other types of pain can be more complicated. If a coworker embarrassed you in a meeting, you got an email that rubbed you the wrong way, or you feel overwhelmed by the current workload, the source of the pain (and how to resolve it) might not be as obvious.
One all-too-common strategy is talking trash, or talking poorly about coworkers. We often put this in the category of ‘venting’.
Ventilating negative energy – stress, frustration, anger – is necessary and good. Venting it in a way that does not degrade relationships and company culture is better.
Be Intentional
Talking trash does not align with healthy workplace culture. If healthy culture is important to you, trash talk has to go.
Talking trash has never solved a problem. It has never made a relationship better or improved performance. Rather, it is a default reaction in alignment with an unrecognized aim: to avoid pain. Talking trash about a coworker identifies the source of discomfort as something outside oneself, taking it off one’s shoulders, placing it instead on the shoulders of that coworker.
If talking trash gets another coworker to chime in, consoling the trash-talker and validating the perceived villain, then this habit entrenches itself as a successful strategy for pain relief.
This strategy, unfortunately, does not relieve the source of the pain. Talking trash is like taking Tylenol to relieve the pain of a splinter. It will work… temporarily. But the issue persists.
“Talking trash is like taking Tylenol to relieve the pain of a splinter. It will work… temporarily. But the issue persists. ”
The splinter has to be removed, you have to have the difficult conversation. If you feel like a coworker has wronged you in some way, have a thoughtful, respectful conversation with that peer. You’re on the same team. You share a professional purpose. Don’t retreat to a safe corner and talk trash about them – choose the challenging but effective path. It’s the only path forward.
Seeing the problem clearly might include recognizing that the inability to pull out the splinter (or have the difficult but clarifying conversation with a peer) comes from a similar source: fear of more pain. That is understandable. Who, when in a state of discomfort, would invite additional discomfort?
But while the “Tylenol” of avoidance and talking trash might feel good in the moment, it does not improve the situation. When the momentary effect wears off, the issue will still be there. The discomfort will continue to pop up.
Pulling out the splinter might hurt, but it will alleviate future pain, and prevent infection (even more pain). That infection, when it includes talking trash about peers to peers, poisons the well of company culture.
How to Be Intentional
This is easier said than done, of course. But the first step in being intentional is always Awareness. Bring awareness to moments of stress and discomfort. No need to override them or pretend that an offensive comment didn’t offend you. Honor the issue. It’s real. Then, work toward Understanding the issue in context.
Intentional decision-making cannot happen without awareness and understanding. Does the person realize their misstep? Were there other factors at play?
It’s not naïve to be an optimistic realist, to assume a position of curiosity, and to enter follow-up conversations with respect. There are too many conversations that begin with “yeah, but I already know how he will respond”, or something to that end. Assumptions kill conversations and undercut relationships, professional or otherwise.
“Intentional decision-making cannot happen without awareness and understanding”
Understanding is unlikely to occur in a reactive state. Take some space if you need it. Find other ways to ventilate (go for a walk, take a breath, journal or take notes for clarity) before putting the issue in context, then address it.
Find ways to ventilate frustration that do not degrade relationships and team culture. Avoid making assumptions. And when it comes to intentional decision-making, remind yourself of the ultimate aim – are you trying to feel better for the moment? Or are you hoping to take positive steps forward in your pursuit of shared professional success?
In other words, Does Your Behavior Match Your Goal?